Zach Original
the one. the only. the guy.
$26.14 $13.07
Zach Blechner
Zach Blechner is a person.
The original. Accept no substitutes (there aren’t any, we looked everywhere, even Ohio).
Pick your Zach
Six flavors. One Zach. Don’t ask how.
Zach Lite
same Zach, half the Zach. somehow.
$13.07 $6.53
Zach Zero
zero Zach. it’s just the can.
$0.00
Zach MAX
do not exceed 1 Zach per day.
$1,307.00
Zach Sparkling
now with bubbles. nobody asked for this.
$13.07
Zach: Wind Edition
tested in moderate wind (see study #1). held up great.
$20.20
$BLCH
Zach stock. Number go up (sometimes). Trades on vibes, closes on Tuesdays.
100.00 +0.00 (+0.00%)
market open. market has always been open.
- Open
- 100.00
- Day range
- —
- 52wk
- 0.00 – ∞
- Market cap
- 1 Zach
- P/E
- yes
- Volume
- vibes
- Dividend
- sometimes
- Algorithm
- a coin*
Real results.**
Clinically proven***
Real studies. Real lab. Real desk (the lab is a desk).
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We put Zach outside on a windy day (20–35 km/h). Eleven trials. Zach stayed intact every single time. Hair moved around a bit, which we decided was fine. Next we wanted to try strong wind. Ethics said no. Ethics has never met Zach.
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Old estimate: somewhere between “walking” and “brisk walking.” We got a stopwatch and the longest hallway we could find. New estimate: walking, but like he means it. At about 40 metres Zach stopped to look at a dog, so the error bars are huge. The dog asked not to be credited.
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Proposal: 1 Zach = the amount of Zach in Zach. We’ve started measuring everything in Zachs. Our kitchen is 4.5 Ƶ wide. Today felt like about 0.8 Ƶ. The International Bureau of Weights and Measures still hasn’t called back and they still have our stapler.
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Took a chair away. Nothing. Took a second chair away. Something almost happened, we don’t want to talk about it. Put both chairs back. Only one chair came back. We have stopped moving furniture. The building is fine. The building is probably fine.
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Drafts 1–8 are gone. This is draft 9. Everything is either Zach or not Zach and the not-Zach pile keeps getting smaller. Reviewer 2 asked “smaller how.” we said reviewer 2 knows what reviewer 2 did. reviewer 2 is now reviewer 3. we don’t know where reviewer 2 went
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there are two of them. there have always been two. left one is the real one and the right one is also the real one and we asked the mirror and the mirror wouldn’t say, the mirror paid for this study, the mirror is the lead author, please send all questions to the mirror, the mirror is not taking questions
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zach. we went where they measure zach and every instrument was pointed at us. tuesday came early. lamp was there. gerald was there. hallway was longer. conclusion is zach. method is also zach. do not cite. cited 4,000 times. by who. by WHO
Customer reviews
★★★★★
lit
I’ve lit up a lot of rooms. Zach was in some of them. Would light those rooms again, no notes.
2,301 people found this helpful
★★★★★
finally someone gets it
Everyone treats me like Monday’s little brother. Not Zach. Zach has never once said “ugh, Tuesday.” The stock market should close for me. (It does now. Thanks Zach.)
7 people found this helpful
★☆☆☆☆
coo
coo coo. coo coo coo. [translated: he looked at me once for a long time and I think about it every day. one star because I’m holding the chair and my wings are tired]
4,812 people found this helpful
★★★★★★★
click the logo
That’s it. That’s the review. Click the logo. You know how many times.
7 people found this helpful
★★★★☆
he walked around me ON PURPOSE
Everybody walks around me. Zach walked around me with intention. Took a star off only because I’m a cone and I don’t believe in perfection.
88 people found this helpful
★★★★★
consistent
See him most nights. Very professional. A little far but that’s on me tbh.
1 person found this helpful (the sun)
★★★☆☆
signal drops when he leaves
Full bars when Zach is in the room. Drops out when he leaves. Not his fault. Still upset about it.
612 people found this helpful
★★★★★
honor of my career
I hold Zach down. Been doing it his whole life. Never once complained (him or me).
9.81 people found this helpful
★★★★☆
couldn’t move him
Pushed on him for eleven trials. Didn’t budge. Respect. Minus one star for whoever wouldn’t let me go strong.
20–35 people found this helpful
Questions (asked)
It’s Zach. You’re on Zach’s website. This is what that looks like.
Yes. We checked this morning. He was there.
No. It says “add to cart” everywhere and you still can’t. That’s the whole business model. Our investors are confused too.
It isn’t. You’re slow. In 2019 Zach showed up somewhere 13 minutes and 7 seconds early and honestly we’ve just been on his time since then.
We don’t ship at all. Please understand this.
Nothing. It’s a can. It’s $0 and it’s still sold out. We don’t get it either.
A pigeon. He has admin. Nobody gave him admin. Gerald if you’re reading this the chair is not yours.
No. Please stop clicking it. It gets weird around seven.
what hum
It isn’t. The page is exactly the same as when you got here. You’re the one who changed. You’ve been looking at Zach for like six minutes now and that does something to a person. It’s fine. It’s fine. You can scroll back up if you want. It won’t help.
We’re hiring (1)
Assistant to the Zach
- where near Zach
- hours full-time, emotionally
- pay competitive (with who??)
- boss the Zach
You’ll be
- standing 1–3 metres from Zach at all times
- holding stuff Zach might need. just in case
- announcing Zach when he walks into rooms (indoor voice)
- wiping the logo down weekly without making eye contact
- other duties as Zached
You have
- 5+ years of being near people
- English, plus at least one other English
- the ability to lift Zach’s spirits (not Zach)
- a driver’s license or a strong opinion about bread
Message Zach
Replies in 3–5 Zach days. A Zach day is however long Zach wants.
- * The algorithm is a coin. It has been flipped about four million times and would like to lie down.
- ** Results not typical. Results not technically possible. Individual Zach may vary (there is one individual Zach and he does not vary).
- *** Clinically proven by a desk. See ****.
- **** See ***.
- Zach is a person, not a product. Please stop adding him to your cart. ZACH™ is not a registered trademark. Nothing on this website is for sale, including the website.
